Wright Couples

We are in a great new place…exciting, challenging and exhilarating.  We had a great couples coaching session with the Canrights about three weeks ago, and are still upholding the agreements we made.  Chad is being honest and responsible and I am staying open to receiving his honest communication.  I have seen even during our fights that I am quicker to admit my responsibility in the upset, where I would historically blame him in order to “win”.    In the past, I would say I was “responsible”, but internally not be thinking I was responsible and hang onto that attitude which, of course, would lead to crappy behavior for the rest of the day and a waiting attitude for the next thing I could jump on, make him wrong, etc.  Now, I am taking my own words to heart.  I said to Chad that we could live like this for the next 50 years, I am committed, no matter what, we are a couple.  It would be great to have a relationship where we truly did trust each other, we honored each other, we truly were “best friends” and we wanted the best for each other openly, not just in our hearts.  That kind of relationship means we have to stop the crappy bickering, the need for the other person to “lose” before we feel satisfied, and the lack of trust that is always under the surface.  I need to ask for things I want, and stopping myself from from where I don’t –because historically I wouldn’t get them anyway (see there it is again… ) and I didn’t trust Chad would do the things I ask of him, and then have an attitude because I was not getting what I want.  So, I am going to ask, and ask, and ask, by the odds of percentages I will get something….I am shooting for a lot of something’s AND Chad is staying in his responsibility and I know it is equally hard for him and I find it cool, affirming and quite sexy.  All this being said, it has reflected into my parenting life and my work life as well.  My conversations with our sons have, for the most part, been open, positive, encouraging and decisive (it is not their fault if I am not satisfied, it is my fault).  When I speak at work, I stop first…looking at my words to be firm, unequivocal, even-tempered and not bitchy.  It is interesting that our latest series at church has been around acting like a Christian (which in some circles has a negative definition), but it is supposed to be defined as giving of ourselves in a non-judgmental way;  serving others in our capacity as a spouse, parent, worker, friend, worshiper with an open heart and mind; and grace towards others.  I believe this is no coincidence.

Corey and I are more honest, more caring, more playful, more partnered, more understanding, more responsible since summer training. I loved the work of orienting to integrity in my couple. Using integrity has shifted the way that we fight — orienting to truth, staying out of victimhood. Using integrity has helped us align to higher vision, letting go of petty territory that in the past would have been our excuses to fight against each other. Integrity has helped us look at workable solutions to childcare, evenings, house projects, dating. There is just less blame, shame, and justification. When we do, we get to the truth quicker — move out of our personal little dramas.  All in all there is less drama; about our schedules, and more about workability and how to support each other. I feel that we are more in harmony — cheesy — but what I mean is the feeling that he has my back and moves on stuff that matters to me and I have his.

In this regard, things are just mine or his, but ours. Whole, complete. This house is our house, these are our children, this is our life. I feel like I fit into this vision like wearing comfortable clothes — not too big or too small. I am fighting less for my territory and vice a versa — more we just orient to what needs to get done and how do we do it.

There have been great conversations around integrity with the girls (twin 6 year olds), what does it mean, what does it mean to the Coscioni’s. Wholeness, complete, workability. This has changed the way that we clean together, play together, work together. I feel that we have more grounded time together, less fernetic, running around, not so much bickering.

All in all, I just feel that we have a bigger shift in perspective and it plays through everything. There is less blame, “noise.” I feel that we are more in wanting and working at how to make that happen.

 Edda Coscioni

Wow! What a week that Corey and I have had! We did the Summer Training with the Wright Leadership Institute. This year the training was focused on the principle of integrity.  Imagine that–working a whole week with your spouse on how to truly be more integrous. I remember years ago when Corey and just wanted to find a simple compromise in our day-to-day duldrums. We’ve come a long way! 

Can I tell you, it was a rocking and rolling time. One of the most incredible lessons that I learned was how much darned fun I had with Corey the more integrous I was and vice versa. We had soooo much fun playing, working, striving, and caring about our work project that we were on during the week. One day, while Corey and I were working on our project he said something that made me laugh, and we caught each others eyes, smiling, and it was like when we had first met, open, fresh, caring. There was a gleem that I haven’t seen for a long time.  Mmmmmm…. Yummy!

I have also learned that the more honest we were, the less crap there is to sort through, the more time there focus on what mattered. We didn’t argue over whose job is whose, or who did more work and deserved more credit. Instead we grabbed things that we were best suited for and did them with vigor. And when it came to credit everyone got credit and celebrated, because everyone was doing great work. We didn’t argue over whose way was the better way, but listened to each other’s ideas sorting through what WAS the best way to get our project done. And then made it happen! I have spent countless hours and too much energy trying to hide from him, scraping up one white lie after another because I was afraid of getting “in trouble,”  (like I was three years old or something.) Now I see that I am more afraid of the lies because that is where I create more upset and mess and distance between us–and then I end up feeling more alone. I am telling the truth more, and I feel a deeper sense of commraderie, adoration, and caring–and all because of the word integrity.

Edda Coscioni